August 28th, 2010
Sometimes I despair of this life. My heart feels weighted down, as of late and it makes my whole body and mind feel heavy. It makes it hard for me to move.
While at the Christian book store today, Little Girl was drawn to the baby gift section. I purposely kept my distance, as it was too hard to look at all the sweet baby things. She found a toy she liked and said "Mommy, let's get this for the baby!" I said "what baby?" and she said "Hope." I said "Hope doesn't need that" and she replied "why not? Why did Hope die Mommy...why did Hope die..?" I just picked her up and hugged her. I think it's very hard for her to understand. My dream of having another baby feels so far off now and it still hurts so much that Hope was there in our lives and then suddenly, she was gone.
Since the miscarriage, my body has been hurting a lot. Last night I had my first bout of sciatica in a very long time. It used to be a regular occurrence, but now I am used to being more comfortable. So when the pain hits, I get scared. It's the kind of pain that scares you. I carefully made it to my bed and tucked myself in between stabbing pains. I slept, but then awoke unrested and still in pain. I don't think I've slept properly since we lost Hope and the lack of sleep is wearing me down emotionally and physically.
How I need to lay aside my earthly cares. Sometimes, if they are only minor, I feel I can shoulder them fine, but last night, when grief and worry and fear converged I could clearly see how badly I need to cry out to God, rather than simply to cry.
Life is too hard. Raising three children is too hard for me. Having Fibromyalgia is too hard. Having healthy relationships is very hard and sometimes well-nigh impossible. Watching the news everyday confirms that life in this world is often way too hard.
Lord, have mercy on us.
God won't let me give up and I guess that is what hope feels like. So in spite of the fact that it all feels too hard, especially on days like today, I have hope for my daughters, for our family and for my health. Hope is one of those indescribable realities in the Christian life. It's the resolve that God is eternally good and merciful even if life feels impossible.